Features of Rewarding Relationships
Study Guide, February 15, 2026
Pastor Clay Olsen
With this being our annual Valentine’s Appreciation Sunday, we thought it would be helpful for all of us to look into some features of rewarding relationships. So let’s give it a go. But how about this? Do you like walking tours? Our coastal area is great for those who love walking tours. How many have walked or toured these sites: Fort Macon….Old Beaufort Burial grounds…The Croatan Forest…The NC Aquarium trail…how about this one? This is the Hoop Pole Creek Nature Trail. It’s by the Atlantic Beach Shopping center and it’s the last protected area on the Bogue Banks. Sharon and I were surprised that we haven’t walked that trail yet. It’s a one-mile trail that starts and ends across from Bojangles…I think they knew that people might be hungry after their walk. But what does this have to do with our Valentine’s study on Relationships? Well, just like with these walking tours, with both the ones that are familiar, as well as even with those that are not as familiar, there’s always more to see and more to discover about them. Similarly, it’s that way in our relationships, with our spouse, or even with our friends and other family members and such…there’s always more to learn and to discover. So our tour today has some helps for all of us in our relationships with others, in marriage, in other friendships, and so on.
Speaking of marriage, even kids have a way of being able to tell if two people are married. One eight-year-old boy said he could tell if two people were married based upon whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Then an eight-year-old girl was asked what most people should do on a date. She said, “People should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” And then a 9-year-old boy was asked what he would do if his first date was going bad. He said, “I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.” That’s unique!
Well, let’s head out on our tour of relationships, and again, these principles are helpful for all of us regardless of the stage or season of life we are in, single, married, divorced, or widowed. For example: On Communication: What do you think of this? Dostoyevsky said, “Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” I was kind of bewildered by that…wished he would have said more about it…no, just kidding there. But really, Communication has been called ‘Intimacy Verbalized.’ It’s one of the earliest and most consistent gifts that couples can give to each other, and a key feature of a rewarding relationship. Plus, the Scriptures point out that even our communication carries a sense of mission about it. Meaning what? Meaning this…Col 4:6- “Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.” NASU Do you practice seasoning your words before you serve them up to your spouse or your friends or your co-workers?
That is an essential feature in good communication…rather in Biblical communication. We each need to carry a ‘grace shaker’. Maybe carry a little bottle around with you in your pocket to remind yourself that we are each commanded to season our words before we dish them out…dish them out to your wife or husband or children or friends or whomever it is. Remember, as a Re-born child of God your communication has been re-purposed, so re-tool it in order to let God use it to build up others in your life. You see, that’s just another example of what is to differentiate followers of Christ from the world. Christians are to be known for their practice of ‘grace seasoned communication.’ It’s like the song: ‘They’ll know that we are Christians by our – Speech’…yes, Love, too. But Christians especially are to be careful in their speech…in their words, knowing the powerful effect words have for building others up or for tearing them down. Natural communication is based upon a person’s natural feelings or natural opinions or natural habits. But God’s people are those who have been supernaturally remade. In other words, God has retooled every part of our life. Or we can say, as re-birthed people, we have been re-purposed. And therefore, even our speech has a new purpose. Look at this: Eph 4:15-16- “…Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.” ESV
So God has even re-purposed our speech to carry the purpose of proclaiming truth with words that have first been seasoned with grace and with the goal of building up the hearer, thus demonstrating love.
Now, this building-others-up kind of love does not eliminate the tough-kind-of-love that is sometimes needed. Certainly, there are times for reproof, correction, rebuke, and so on. But ‘rebuking others’ is not to be our default attitude…like a mad attitude. Save that for the rebellious. Our default attitude is to be that of Jesus’ attitude. He said: “I am gentle and humble of heart.” No one was tougher than Jesus on those who needed rebuking, like the Pharisees. But with those who did not intend harm to Him, He was merciful and kind. Pray that you will be and do likewise. But, again, we are to realize that within our resurrected spirit we now even have ‘re-purposed speech.’ Our speech has a sense of mission. Therefore, we are to use words for the purpose of ‘people building.’
For example: Marriage research has determined that a major cause of boredom within many marriages is simply traced to lack of communication; stimulating communication. Now there is a lot of miscommunicating that goes on. Like the husband that asked his wife, “Where is yesterday’s newspaper?” And she said, “I wrapped the garbage in it. “The husband said, “Oh, I wanted to see it.” And the wife said, “Well, there wasn’t much to see, just some orange peels and coffee grounds.” Say what? Well, good communication is hard work. It requires us to be outgoing when we would rather be ingrown. It requires that we be interested in someone else’s concerns when we’re so concerned about our own. True, we all need moments of silence. But be careful; that can be habit forming.
Now, we’re not just talking about talking…We are talking about communicating, which involves listening. I saw this recent meme about listening that was great. It was in a job interview. The Interviewer says, “So where do you see yourself in five years?” And the Guy responds: “I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.” I think the interview probably stopped right there.
But good communication doesn’t just involve listening in and of itself, but rather listening with purpose. What is ‘listening with purpose?’ Listening with purpose involves learning as well as hearing. It involves building rapport with the other person as much as acquiring information from them. Like we stated: It involves developing a concern for the interests of others and not just those of yourself. Phil. 4:4 instructs us: “…do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” NASB The essential feature of listening with purpose is living beyond yourself…which, by the way, is also an essential feature in a happy marriage – live beyond yourself.
The Apostle Paul pointed out that we are commanded to be other’s-centered rather than self-centered. Even in communication, in ‘talking with others’, regardless of whether talking is more like work to you or if talking is more like recreation to you; either way; remember this: It’s not about you. All communication is foremost about God’s purposes for your communication. It’s mostly about what we should or shouldn’t be saying than what we feel like saying or don’t feel like saying. Here is a takeaway: Communication is to be dictated by Christian character more than by our individual personality. We each need to go on a walking tour through the Word of God to find out more about how God wants to use our words with others.
Now then, since we read that great love passage of Scripture in our responsive reading, how about we take a closer look at it? It’s four of the most potent verses ever. 1 Cor 13:4-7- “Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.” TEV
Now, depending on what version you read that in, we find it revealing about 7 things love is and about 8 things love is not. But it’s pretty clear that if we are going to go very far in practicing this in our lives that it’s going to take a heavy dose of commitment from us to do that. This kind of love goes way past our emotions, because our emotions can swing like a pendulum from hot to cold; from caring to not caring at all; from being motivated to being aggravated, and so on. No, to love like this…well, how about we put this passage into a 1st Person reading of it? And how about if we would each commit to obeying God’s instruction here on practicing love? In the 1st Person it goes something like this: “I will be patient with you. I will be kind to you. I will not envy you; I will not boast or proudly place myself before you. I will not be rude to you; I will not exploit you for my own selfish end. I will not be easily angered with you; I will not carry a record of your personal offenses against me. I will not delight when you are harmed, or if I hear evil concerning you. I will rejoice with truth; I will always protect you, trust you, hope in you and persevere with you. I will seek to never fail you.”
Oftentimes couples are asked before their wedding if they believe they are ready for the responsibilities that come with marriage. Perhaps it would be more clear to them if they were asked if they were ready to commit to Biblical love as defined here in 1 Corinthians 13. As in, “Are you ready to commit to one another what 1 Corinthians 13 says about love? Now, we’re not talking about perfection here…as James reminds us that we all stumble in many ways. But again, we are talking about ‘purpose’. God has commanded us to love one another, and here God then defines the kind of ‘love’ He’s talking about. Anything less; anything different; anything distorted from this is not Biblical love; or God’s love; or real love. Much of what is called ‘Love’ is simply an emotional fabrication of some sort, but it’s not ‘Love’…not genuine love as defined by the Bible. Mark it down: Most relationships are built on an emotional fabrication that they call ‘love’, but it is actually a distortion of ‘love’… and not Biblical love at all. And therein lies much of the problem with most relationships today.
So, we’ve looked at ‘Communication’ and ‘Genuine Love’ on our tour. How about one other feature today, and that is: ‘Devotion’! Here’s something we highlight in Pre-Marital Counseling: Take two people. One male, one female, from totally different upbringings and experiences. Each with emotional uniqueness; with likes and dislikes. Each with some degree of independence, and with some self-centeredness, living in the same house, with different tasks and responsibilities, working from the same budget, trying to reach similar goals. Will they agree on everything? Right…No way!
However, devotion in a relationship does not mean that you think alike, but that you think together! The goal is not individual victory, but progress together. A great relationship is not just about finding the right person; it’s about being the right person that another person can find. Unlike the ole couple getting married – the Parson said, “Do you take this man for better or for worse?” And the lady said, “Well, he cain’t be no worse; and there’s no hopes of him getting any better; so I takes him just as he is!”
I guess that’s devotion…but really, devotion has to do with faithfulness. And faithfulness grows strongest out of relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Remember: Ps. 127:1- “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it…” NASU
Now, let’s point out something that is kind of surprising to many, and that is; If you are a Christian, you are already married, even if you are single or widowed; for you are the Bride of Christ. So all of these qualities we commonly connect with marriage between a man and a woman also apply to each of us in our relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, communication, love, devotion, faithfulness, and more. But remember, the secret to strength in our Christian life in our horizontal relationships with others is based upon the strength of our vertical relationship with our Lord. Is He in charge of your house…meaning, in charge of your personal life; and if married, your married life? Is He the Lord of your personal beliefs and private habits and public witness and so on? Unless the Lord is Lord of each of these areas of your life, then be warned: whatever you have been building or are building is in vain; or has been serving no lasting purpose and therefore has no lasting value.
But the other side of that reality is this great reward. Notice again what Psalm 127:1 is also saying: “Whenever the Lord does build the house, they labor in gain who build it…” Labor in vain versus labor in gain! What a great reality and great inspiration for living under the Lordship of Christ in every area of our lives! Every day there is a question before us. Will your labor today be in vain or will it be in gain? It all depends on the Lord’s position in your life and in whatever area of your life your labor is. Is He central or is He left out, or even nowhere in sight?
Think about it: I’ve said this before, but that hasn’t stopped me yet…anyway, we’ve pointed it out before that most of the houses you see around you and the home lives you see around you are essentially ‘Sandcastles’. They are labors of vanity. They are marriages, families, and individuals who have not devoted their lives to the Lordship of Christ to be the Lord of their lives and their homes, and thus, just like our God warned, all of their labor has been and is now in vain; or, has served no Christ-centered purpose. And if your life does not have a Christ-centered purpose it is a life being lived in vain and thus has no lasting value. It’s only a matter of time before whatever they think they have gained will be revealed to have been in vain. And just like with the Sandcastle on the beach, it will all be washed away and will be an eternal loss.
On the other hand, also around you are some homes and marriages and individuals who have committed themselves to the Lordship of Christ. They have committed their life, their marriage, their family, and their works to the Lord, and to letting the Lord build each area of their lives upon the Rock, the Rock of Christ and His Word. And therefore, all of their labor has been and will forever be counted as ‘gain.’ They have sought to have a Christ-centered life, a Christ-centered marriage and home, and a Christ-centered purpose about their work and service. And nothing will ever wash any of it away that they have ever done that honors their Lord. And the Lord will reward them and their works, and it will all be counted as eternal gain!
And really, don’t we all want whatever we have built to last? Of course we do! God designed us that way. And the way that we build things that will last is when the Builder is our Lord, and we are His workmanship, working alongside Him to build up others around us; from our spouse to our children to our friends and co-workers. Plus, the immediate and daily gains from living under the Lordship of Christ is the daily growth of the fruit of the Spirit and the joys that they bring into our lives, empowering and blessing us day by day.
But that is a daily choice: Labor in vain versus labor in gain – Choose wisely. God wants you to enjoy the ‘gains’ in your personal life and in your relationships with others…marriage, church, friends, and co-workers and such. Practice God’s purposes for each of them and you’ll have great gains, now and in the Kingdom ahead.