Strengthening Relationships
Study Guide, June 1, 2025
Pastor Clay Olsen
Along with Pastor Josiah and Rachel’s wedding shower today and wedding approaching, we thought it would be helpful to walk through some Biblical principles that help strengthen relationships. Many of these apply to both marriage and each of our day-to-day relationships, so we can all glean some ‘helps’ together.
For example: In the counsel of Eph. 4:11-13 God gives His people, His church, a powerful Life-purpose statement. Let’s look: “And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ; until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ.” NASU
Here we see God revealing that one of main purposes of leaders who serve the saints of the church is to more and more equip the saints so that the saints can better and better serve God’s church and others. It doesn’t matter if you are a young equipper or and older equipper, or a young equipper-snapper or an older equipper-snapper. (That was kind of a stretch, but it was just all set up there…anyway) But we also see that God has given His people another ‘identity’…and that is… a ‘Builder’, a ‘Builder’ of others, especially Builders of other Believers. And when you bring that identity into the marriage relationship, we see that one of God’s purposes for Husbands and Wives, as a ‘Builder’ of others, is to build up their spouse in emotional welfare, in mental well-being, in physical support, and in spiritual growth.
In other words, your marriage partner is your God-given life-long building assignment. Your spouse is your ‘personal building project’…not a ‘thing’ kind of project, but a ‘treasure’ kind of project. And so, right away, this God-given assignment gives a new identity even to your marriage; and that is, that your marriage is not only your gift from God, but it is also your ministry unto God. Oh yes, to be sure, marriage is a ministry, for ministry is rooted in the concept of serving others, reflecting the example of Jesus who came to serve rather than to be served. It involves meeting other’s needs with love and humility. And so, this moves you from the mentality of thinking of your marriage only in terms of ‘our relationship’ to even more so, thinking of it in terms of ‘My ministry’, which, again, is to do whatever you can do in order to ‘edify’, or to build up your spouse emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. You now think in terms of: “What would the Lord have me do to encourage, to assist, to enlighten, and to help build up and strengthen my spouse in their emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well-being and experiences?” Mark it down: Changing how you think about your relationship by identifying it as ‘My ministry unto God’ changes everything!
All right, so let’s go to some examples, let’s say, in the area of ‘Communication’. Do you use much ‘seasoning’ on your foods? You say, “What’s that got to do with ‘communication’?” Let’s see. Col 4:6- “Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.” NASU Okay then! And ‘by the way’…whenever you see “Let your”…and then whatever God says after that in the Bible, know that in the Greek, “Let your”… is the ‘Imperative mood’, meaning that God is not making a suggestion to us, rather this is a command. How about that? God is commanding us about how we communicate with others. God not only commands us how to treat others… ‘Love in truth’, but He also commands us in how to speak to others…‘Speak truth in love!’
One of the dangers of not seasoning what you are going to say is that it often leads to saying what you didn’t intend to say or meant to say. Do you see what we’re saying? How often does conflict in communication arise from the oft quoted saying of – “But that’s not what I meant! That not what I intended in what I said.” But others don’t hear ‘intentions’…they hear what you say. And you remember what James said about the power of ‘words’, right? James 3:3-6- “We put a bit into the mouth of a horse to make it obey us, and we are able to make it go where we want. Or think of a ship: big as it is and driven by such strong winds, it can be steered by a very small rudder, and it goes wherever the pilot wants it to go. So it is with the tongue: small as it is, it can boast about great things. Just think how large a forest can be set on fire by a tiny flame! And the tongue is like a fire.” TEV
A ‘bit’, a ‘rudder’, and a ‘flame’! Words are more powerful than we normally think. Words can warm others or they can burn them…all according to how you use them. That’s why the Word of God has so much to say about how we use the words of our tongue. Here are just some examples:
Prov 13:3- “Be careful what you say and protect your life. A careless talker destroys himself.” TEV That’s the thing about an uncontrolled flame of words…it not only harms the hearer, but it also burns the speaker.
Prov 18:13- “Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.” NLT
Here we see that ‘listening’ is one of the most important parts of relating, right? We will come back to that.
Prov 29:20- “There is more hope for a fool than for someone who speaks without thinking.” NLT So foolish words naturally follow foolish thinking. And foolish thinking is speaking without thinking. Another example of ‘Stinking thinking!’
1 Peter 3:10- “For “He who would love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit.” NKJV Here we see that harmful words come back on the speaker, just like the law of reaping what you sow. Or as they say… ‘What goes around, comes around.”
So what’s one great help in taming the tongue? Once again, a great word-picture from James can help us here as well. James 1:26- “If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless.
NASU A ‘bridle’! Now that would help…not sure if we would need the whole bridle…the headband, the noseband, the cheek piece, the bit and the throat latch. Maybe…
But the bridle is used for communication between the rider and the horse, allowing the rider to guide the horse’s direction, speed, and movements through signals delivered through the reins and bit. That sounds like it would be a great reminder for just how crucial it is that we carefully choose and use our words with others, especially with our ‘Significant other’.
Now, the other thing that people hear when others speak is that they hear ‘attitudes’. And ‘attitudes’ have a powerful impact on whatever is said. Like the English teacher who was telling her students that two negative words together will make a positive, whereas two positives together will never make a negative. To which one of the students then said – “Yeah…right!” That’s funny, but you see how a snarky attitude can over-ride everything!
Remember: How you say something is as important as what you say, because how others often receive what you say is often based upon how it was said. Even children understand ‘attitude’ before they ever understand words. Develop the habit of being more concerned about how your communication affected others than about what you intended. That way you’ll be more careful about obeying Colossians 4:6 in thinking about how to say what you should say in order to communicate and season it all with grace.
But even with that said, communication is a challenging process. An example of the challenge is seen in this statement: “I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I said.” Say what? Plus, it’s reported that when you talk with another person you convey 6 messages: 1. What you meant to say. 2. What you actually said. 3. What the other person heard. 4. What the other person thinks he heard. 5. What the other person says about what you said. 6. What you think about what the other person said. Thus, the potential for miscommunication is high. That’s why the Bible has so much to say about what we say and how we say it. Carry your verbal saltshaker with you at all times. Season your words with grace before you dish them out to others…especially with your treasure, with the one with whom you share your life…your husband or wife.
One of the most helpful principles in communication is this: Test all your assumptions verbally by asking if they are accurate. And avoid acting until you have done that. You can avoid many unnecessary battles by testing all your assumptions before acting on them. Case in point: In the settling of the Promised Land, two and a half of the Tribes of Israel settled on the West of the Jordan. As for the sacrifices, all of the males of Israel were required to offer sacrifices at the altar of God’s tabernacle. But these two tribes thought they should build an altar as a witness that they, too, were part of Israel. They thought it would be a sort of witness of their unity with the other tribes. However, when the other tribes heard that they had built an altar, they made an assumption that these two tribes were now in rebellion against them and unfaithful to God. And they gathered men from all Israel to go to war against them. And they sent ten representatives to declare war and said: Josh 22:16-18- “Thus says the whole congregation of the Lord, ‘What is this unfaithful act which you have committed against the God of Israel, turning away from following the Lord this day, by building yourselves an altar, to rebel against the Lord this day? Is not the iniquity of Peor enough for us, from which we have not cleansed ourselves to this day, although a plague came on the congregation of the Lord, that you must turn away this day from following the Lord? If you rebel against the Lord today, He will be angry with the whole congregation of Israel tomorrow.” NASU
So they assumed that these tribes were now turning away and rebelling against the Lord and that was cause for war! But then they replied: “If we have built us an altar to turn away from following the Lord, or if to offer a burnt offering or grain offering on it, or if to offer sacrifices of peace offerings on it, may the Lord Himself require it. 24 “But truly we have done this out of concern, for a reason, saying, ‘In time to come your sons may say to our sons, “What have you to do with the Lord, the God of Israel? (Josh. 22: 22-24) “See the copy of the altar of the Lord which our fathers made, not for burnt offering or for sacrifice; rather it is a witness between us and you. Far be it from us that we should rebel against the Lord and turn away from following the Lord this day, by building an altar for burnt offering, for grain offering or for sacrifice, besides the altar of the Lord our God which is before His tabernacle.” (Joshua 22:28,29 NASU)
To which the representatives then basically said: “Oh! Sorry about that. Have a good day. See you at the tabernacle.” And they all went home. But the thing is…they almost went to war based upon a wrong assumption! Mark this down: It is human nature to make false assumptions and to also assume bad intentions about others…even those we love. This bent in our human nature is as old as humanity. That’s one of the reasons we are given this counsel for following the new habits of our new nature, which starts with: Phil 4:8- “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” NASU Another ‘by the way’ here…this counsel of Phil. 4:8 is not a suggestion either…this is a command of God, whereby we are to discipline our minds, taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. And by making it a practice to test every assumption that you have about anything and everyone will not only save you from many unnecessary battles, but it will also make you more effective in your ministry of building up others around you.
And, if you are going to jump to conclusions, make a habit of jumping to positive conclusions about others, unless the facts prove different. As in, in the testing of your assumptions you do discover bad intentions or wrongdoing in others, well then, you can also then be better informed in order to do proper justice about whatever the wrong is! Either way, seek out truth first, so that you can then act upon truth and speak truth in love and love in truth! Plus, it is a great way to build up another when they know that you honor them enough and respect them enough to first test any assumptions you have by asking them to help you better understand because you value them and they are that important to you.
One other help for today anyway, is about that ‘Listening’ component. Whenever the Bible speaks about ‘listening’ it’s in connection with ‘learning’. When God says, “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit of God is saying”, there is an intention connected to the ‘listening’. And the intention is ‘listening and learning’. Of course, with God, our listening and learning is foremost about what we need to be doing about whatever God has said and revealed to us. And in our relation to others, again, especially our Significant other, our listening is to be connected with the intention of learning more about their needs, so that we can then better fulfill this command: Gal 6:9-“Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.” NASU
And to our own household…God intends that we make it our intention to listen and to learn more and more about the needs of those whom God has called us to minister to and to build them up by going good to them emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. And whenever we do that kind of good, God promises that we will also reap the good we have sown to others.