Strengthening Relationships, Pt. 2
Study Guide, June 8, 2025
Pastor Clay Olsen
Take two people: One male, one female, from totally different homes, with different upbringings and experiences; Each with emotional uniqueness, with like and dislikes, each with some degree of independence, and with some self-centeredness, living in the same house; with different tasks and responsibilities, working from the same budget, trying to meet the same goals. Will they agree on everything? NO WAY!
Despite a couple’s firm commitment of love and loyalty to one another, the fact that the husband and wife are two distinct people makes some degree of conflict inevitable. Disagreements will happen. Thus, the need for living out our relationships according to Biblical principles rather than our personal preferences or our natural instincts. And, as we often point out, the problem with natural instincts is that our natural instincts often just ‘Stink’! That’s right…it’s similar to the ‘Stinking Thinking’ syndrome we mentioned last time.
When God said this about His thoughts and ways being different than our thoughts and ways, it applied to EVERYTHING! Isa 55:8-9- “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” NASU (The next time you are outside, especially at night, look up at the Stars, and think about these verses. That distance from where you are to where the Stars are is the amount of distance and the amount of difference that God’s perfect thoughts and ways are from our imperfect natural thoughts and ways. Be careful though, it might make you dizzy!) That’s why we can’t just rely on our own human reasoning about anything…even how we approach interpersonal relationships, especially like ‘marriage’.
Now, certainly, God is the One that created us with the ability to reason and use our reasoning as we relate to one another and deal with life in general. But we are to first submit our reasoning about anything and everything to the ‘revelation’ of God’s Word. That way our reasoning will be ‘Biblically directed reasoning’. For if it’s not ‘Biblically directed reasoning’ it will remain ‘humanly distorted reasoning’. And that just leads to more and more vanity and wasted efforts about everything.
Here’s an example of Biblically directed reasoning in connection with relationships with others: (And we’ll look at it from 3 different translations in order to get the effect and impact of it.)
Phil 2:3-4- “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” NASU
Phil 2:3-4- “In whatever you do, don’t let selfishness or pride be your guide. Be humble, and honor others more than yourselves. Don’t be interested only in your own life, but care about the lives of others too.” ERV
Phil 2:3-4- “Do nothing from factional motives [through contentiousness, strife, selfishness, or for unworthy ends] or prompted by conceit and empty arrogance. Instead, in the true spirit of humility (lowliness of mind) let each regard the others as better than and superior to himself [thinking more highly of one another than you do of yourselves].
Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not [merely] his own interests, but also each for the interests of others.” AMP
Perhaps some questions at this point could be helpful. Like: So, how much does God permit us to do out of selfishness and self-pride? The answer is: NOTHING! Another question: And what is ‘selfishness’ really? Answer: Selfishness is being concerned excessively or exclusively for oneself or one’s own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, regardless of others, or above others. Selfishness is basically having the attitude and expectation of: “I’m here to be served.” …Time to look up, because there it is again…that distance and difference reality check between God’s ways and our ways.
Mark 10:45- “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” NASU How utterly remarkable that if all God’s people made this one mental and emotional adjustment to how they lived, it would drastically change the world for good. In any and every place, from their marriage, to their family, to their church family, to their job, to their community…it would powerfully impact everything if they began with this ‘Jesus Attitude’ of: “I did not come here to be served, but to serve, and to give my life…not as a ‘ransom’, for that was uniquely completed by Jesus, but as a service to others.” And, of course, because of the indwelling power of the Holy Spirit, as Christians, we can choose to act on this ‘service attitude of Jesus’ every day.
Every day you are somewhere or you go somewhere. The question is: What are you there for? No, that is not a trick question about forgetfulness…like, “What I am here for…what, again, was I looking for?” Rather, is it a question about your purpose? For, you see, in any place or in every place, as followers of Christ…meaning, as ‘imitators of Christ’, we are to be there not to be served, but to serve, and to give our life as a service to others!
Now back to Philippians 2 – It does not say that others are more important than us, but that we are to consider them as more important…in that we move from ‘sympathy’ to ‘empathy’. And what’s the difference? Sympathy is feeling a sense of care or pity about another’s trouble or misfortune. So, there is a degree of compassion in sympathy. However, sympathy can create a sense of separation, as you’re observing the other person’s suffering from your own perspective. Whereas empathy involves actively understanding another person’s feelings and experiencing them as if they were your own. Empathy is a deeper level of connection, involving actively sharing and understanding the other person’s emotions. Sympathy can feel something for the problems of another, but empathy both feels and then seeks to do something about the problems of another. We see that in this: Matt 9:36-38- “Seeing the people, He felt compassion for them, because they were distressed and dispirited like sheep without a shepherd. Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Therefore beseech the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into His harvest.” NASU In Jesus experience we see His sense of sympathy, of feeling compassion, of then expanding into empathy, of then doing something in response to His compassion.
Strangely enough, but not surprising…is that this quality of ‘empathy’ in relationships is a quality that is and will become more and more absent from people’s character the closer we come to the Lord’s return. Jesus said the world will become more and more cold and calloused to the needs and the troubles and the misfortunes of others the further we get into the End Times. It’s pretty evident that the world is becoming more and more cold and calloused to the Will of God and the needs of others.
Even God’s people need to check their ‘Empathy meter’ now and again. One of the things to look for is to see if your ‘Empathy meter’ is showing that it’s in the ‘healthy range’, rather than the ‘hardening range’. And this can be measured according to how you are acting on the commands of what is stated in Philippians 2 – “…do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” “Don’t be interested only in your own life, but care about the lives of others too.” “…be concerned for not [merely] his own interests, but also each for the interests of others.” The level of your concern for the interests and needs of others, and again, especially your Significant Other, will reveal the health of both your empathy meter and your obedience meter, as they go together.
Don’t let your ‘empathy meter’ get low, for that will invoke a different message from the Lord for you…as in: Rev 2:2-4- “I know your deeds and your toil and perseverance…and have endured for My name’s sake, and have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have left your first love.” NASU Remember, it doesn’t matter what all you have going for you if God has something against you. And when God has something against you, that always begins with something about your first love that has gone wrong. And your ‘first love’ always has to do with your love for God. And guess what? Your love for God is always connected to something else… 1 John 4:10-12- “This is real love—not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and His love is brought to full expression in us.” NLT So remember…we can actually measure how much God’s love is growing in us by measuring how much God’s love is showing through us…through us in sympathy and empathy and service to others, particularly our ‘Significant Other’…our husband or wife.
Speaking of serving others and concerning ourselves with the needs and interests and welfare of others, some naturally become confused about what happens to their own care and welfare. How can you live a full life if you are pouring yourself out?
How about another question: What is the secret to personal fulfillment? Again…look up to the stars again, because this, too, is different than we would think! According to human reasoning the pursuit of personal fulfillment is looking for ways to fill up yourself. Whereas the Biblical path of personal fulfillment is by faithfully emptying out yourself. Phil 2:5-7- “Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant…” NASU
Certainly we know that Jesus laid aside His independent use of His Divine attributes of His Godhood as Christ. And He did this in order to live out His godly dependence as Jesus. But in doing so He also emptied Himself through His obedience and in His service to others as a bond-servant to God! But, whereas Jesus took on the life of a bond-servant by choice, we are to take on the life of a bond-servant because we really are ‘bond-servants’ of God. We really have been purchased by the precious blood of Christ! We have been purchased out of slavery to sin and into the freedom of belonging to Christ.
So, from the revelation of the Word of God we can then come to understand that the secret to personal fulfillment, or ‘Fulfillness’ in the soul and life of a person, is based upon that person’s ‘Faithfulness’ to the counsel and the commands of our God, Who alone can fill the soul in both our Heavenly salvation and in our Earthly satisfaction. Mark it down: ‘Fulfillness’ in our life is only possible through ‘Faithfulness’ to our God; for God alone is the only source of fullness in our soul and satisfaction in our heart and mind.
And, once again, we see that this reality is also as different in people’s thinking as the Heavens are above the Earth. And it shows us…or it assures us, that we can simply let go of wondering or worrying about experiencing personal fulfillment and satisfaction in life. It is God the Holy Spirit that fills us as we empty out ourselves in faithfulness in pursuing our first love, Christ Himself, and then seeking to let Christ love others through us…which, as we have clarified before, that love may be either tender love or tough love, depending upon which is needed. Either way, we are to let that be directed by God’s revelation which will then guide our human reasoning.
One more thing for today that we can simply let go of, as in wondering or worrying about, is related to where we began, and that has to do with ‘Differences’. Have you noticed that we tend to all be different from one another? Pretty much! One thing about the relationship of ‘Marriage’ is that the ‘Marital relationship’ is the stage upon which differences are on display. One interesting thing about that is the only difference between ‘marital’ and ‘martial’ is a misplaced “I”! Think about it!
Oh yes, the ‘misplaced I’ is a stumbling block in all relationships. Even with the Church
we saw that God intends for His Church to learn to think and act less according to the ‘self-life’ and more so according to a ‘Body life’ mentality, with Christ Himself as being the Head…the Head of the Church. And God intends that those of His Church, who also then become united in marriage, especially learn to think and act more so according to a One-ness life mentality…no longer competing against each other in ‘who’ is right, or ‘who’ gets their way, or ‘who’ gets the say in whatever decision they are making or deed they are doing. The Marriage relationship on Earth between the Husband and Wife is to be the reflection of the Salvation relationship in Heaven and Earth between Christ and His Bride, the Church. It’s no longer about living separate lives, but it’s about living ‘Shared lives! Notice: Eph 5:31-33- “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” NKJV
And we’ll ‘flesh’ this out a little more in our next study, but what we see in both the Church and in Marriage is that because there has been a change from an individual identity to a shared identity, this requires a change from living according to our ‘individual mentality’ to living out a ‘shared mentality’ as well. And another amazing blessing that comes from that is that it gives even greater honor to each individual by sharing in what we started with: Phil 2:3-4- “In whatever you do, don’t let selfishness or pride be your guide. Be humble, and honor others more than yourselves. Don’t be interested only in your own life, but care about the lives of others too.” ERV
God’s thoughts and ways are not only higher than ours, but we are to also choose them over ours every day! We are to seek to make them ours more and more in how we think and act and live in all of our relationships.